Due to frequent power outages in eastern Wadsworth Hall, the Housing Office has been inundated throughout the semester with complaints of blackouts, broken devices, and spooky whispers in the dark. On Monday, December 2, housing staff unveiled a dramatic solution: a giant hamster wheel atop the building’s roof, which will use the rotational energy of students running inside of it to power the residence hall.
After weeks of planning, The Wheel was quickly constructed over Thanksgiving break, taking hundreds of the Upper Peninsula’s most inexperienced construction workers and a few minutes of safety inspections to complete before students returned for the final stretch of the fall semester.
Many students were confused by this unusual method of supplying power to the hundreds of students who supposedly live in Wadsworth.
“I can’t believe this. I am absolutely outraged. Why did they think this was a good idea? Huh? Riddle me this: what kind of mentally insane student is going to want to run on this horrific machine to give energy to all of the morons who live in Wads?” asked Josh J. Josh, a fourth-year business major, who was immediately apprehended by campus security and forcibly shoved inside of The Wheel as its inaugural runner. As of publishing, he remains inside of The Wheel, studying for his Introduction to Talking to Women exam while endlessly running.
“I certainly appreciate Mr. Josh’s hard work in powering our hall, but I wish he would run a little bit faster; I’m trying to make some noodles, and the microwave keeps turning off,” said East Wadsworth resident Harriet Jrungleton. “Still, it is nice to not have to worry about blackouts anymore.”
Starting in the Spring 2025 semester, running on The Wheel will be available as a physical education class as a means of encouraging students to help power Wadsworth. The course, which has been named Advanced Hamptering, is currently available for registration on Banweb as PE1069, and is worth one entire co-curricular credit! Yippee!
Following the overwhelming success of The Wheel, the Housing Office has decided to shut down its email address so that none of you ungrateful whippersnappers can complain about it being an eyesore or whatever.
