Last week, Michigan Tech was officially recognized as a method of torture by the Geneva Convention. This comes as a result of a major campaign by nations, many considered adversaries to the United States. A person familiar with the designation had this to say about why Michigan Tech was added: “We sent an investigator to the school to see if the rumors were true, and it was horrible! Our investigator found themself researching methods of ritualistic suicide before the 35-minute mark of their first PH2200 lecture. From this, it was a no-brainer to add Michigan Tech as an official method of torture.”
In response to this, the United States is considering sending inmates from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan Tech to serve out their sentences and to better obtain information relevant to US national security. According to an insider from an unnamed federal agency, “It was remarkable. We put a terrorist in University Chemistry 1, and within a week, he was begging to go back and was willing to share whatever information he knew.”
Many students are not surprised by this designation. One unnamed electrical engineering student even stated, “It’s definitely not a surprise to any of the students; we’ve been getting tortured for years.”
In response to the designation, a university employee stated, “We, as a university, are proud that our learning and curriculum is so rigorous that it is considered torture by the rest of the world. We plan to use this designation to increase the cost of tuition by 25%, as this designation shows we are a premier academic institution.”
If you have any questions about this designation, you are encouraged to reach out to the United Nations, as they primarily handle complaints surrounding Geneva Convention violations.
