In a bold move to solidify its title as the Most Fucked-Up Parking System in the Midwest, Michigan Tech has announced plans to build a new commuter parking lot on the summit of Mont Ripley. The university, which already boasts a parking experience that doubles as an extreme sport, described the initiative as “a bold step forward in parking innovation.”
“This is a game changer for Michigan Tech students,” said Vice President of Parking and Sadistic Urban Planning Dr. Hugh Jasshill. “We heard your concerns about current parking lots being inaccessible, so we’ve decided to make this one more inaccessible, but with the opportunity to go skiing immediately before class.”
The project, dubbed the Peak Parking Initiative, will boast 500 parking spaces and stunning views of your impending failure to make it to class on time. The “state-of-the-art shuttle system” will consist of the existing Mont Ripley chairlift, which is guaranteed to work about as often as your roommate washes their dishes. When asked about students who opt not to wait in line for 30 minutes in the windiest place on Earth, the university revealed plans for a footpath that zigzags up the hill. “With a brisk walk time of 45 minutes, you’ll never need to pay for a gym membership again!” said Transportation Services enthusiastically.
Student reactions have been predictably bitter. “This has to be a joke, right?” said aerospace engineer Jenna Talia. “I’m afraid that my senior design project is going to be developing a shuttle for their next parking lot on the fucking moon!”
As for winter maintenance, a spokesperson from MTU’s Facilities Management stated, “The snow will be plowed at least once. Other than that, good luck, assholes.” The university has also announced that the commuter parking prices will “increase slightly” due to the additional cost of running the chairlift for longer throughout the day. The price will be going from $195 annually to $390 each semester.
Meanwhile, Michigan Tech’s Student Health Services has preemptively stocked up on crutches, neck braces, and therapy appointments for the first semester of Mont Ripley lot survivors.
