With Robert F. Kennedy Jr. set to take over as the Department of Health and Human Services secretary, he has announced his controversial plan to “Make America Healthy Again.” The goal of this ambitious plan? The total eradication of flavor from the American diet.
“Flavor is the Trojan horse of modern health,” declared Kennedy. “Delicious food is often a gateway to dangerous ingredients like artificial dyes, preservatives, and, worst of all, enjoyment. Our mission is to bring food back to its purest form. Directly from the earth, like grass and those little yellow flowers.”
After minutes of extensive research and tens of questions to ChatGPT, the politician has determined that the only food distributor that meets these standards is Michigan Tech Dining Services. The university was selected for its unparalleled ability to feed thousands without the “unnecessary distractions” of seasoning or variety.
“They’ve shown us a world where chicken can be served medium rare, burgers can double as hockey pucks, and broccoli still has those little worms. Extra protein, it’s perfect,” said Kennedy.
While Kennedy championed his new strategy, critics were quick to weigh in, including some from Michigan Tech.
“We’ve always aimed for ‘barely acceptable,’ so we never thought we’d become the blueprint for a national food strategy,” said Penne Cavatapi, Head of the Pasta Department at Wads Dining Hall. “Honestly, we’re unsure whether to feel honored or concerned.”
Kennedy, however, remains undeterred. “This is about more than just food,” he insists. “It’s about building character. If you can survive four years of Michigan Tech dining hall food—or food poisoning—you can survive anything.”
As Kennedy’s plan moves forward, Americans everywhere are bracing for a future of unseasoned, soggy vegetables, ambiguous meat, and the faint taste of disappointment. Perhaps a recipe for tenacity.
