In an unprecedented move designed to “streamline campus dining,” Michigan Technological University administration announced today that the Memorial Union Building (MUB) will replace all existing restaurant options with multiple Subway franchises. This daring culinary pivot comes despite the town of Houghton already boasting three Subways within a 5-mile radius.
“We heard the student body loud and clear when they said ‘we need more dining diversity,” said a university spokesperson at a press conference. “What American dining experience offers more diversity than Subway?”
The MUB’s new layout will feature three distinct Subway counters, each with its own unique theme to ensure variety. Among the planned offerings are:
- Subway Classic is for traditionalists who demand nothing more than ham, cheese, and ice-cold lettuce.
- Subway Express, where indecisive customers are simply handed a pre-made tuna sub and told to “deal with it.”
- Subway Premium Plus Ultra Elite, available only to students who purchase the new ELITE PREMIUM HUSKY DINING CARD, offers the same sandwiches but at double the price to “enhance the dining experience.”
Reaction from the student body has been mixed. “I was really hoping they’d add a Chipotle,” said 5th-year sophomore engineering student Joe Dirt. “But I guess now I can eat a different sandwich every day of the week. Well, kind of. Not really.”
Critics argue that the decision is out of touch, especially considering Subway’s omnipresence in the Houghton area. “We all just want a Jersey Mikes,” quipped one disgruntled professor.
University officials defended the plan, citing efficiency. “Having a single food concept simplifies everything,” said the spokesperson. “Students won’t waste time deliberating between cuisines. They can get back to what really matters: wondering if a degree is worth it while chewing on the culinary equivalent of their shattered dreams.”
As construction begins, rumors are swirling about future plans, including converting the MUB basement into a sandwich assembly training facility and offering a “Build Your Own Sub” major.
“This is just the beginning,” added the spokesperson. “Our dream is to create a campus where every decision feels just a little bit like a choice but really isn’t.”
