Lewd special satirical article: Joining the club



Are you a member of the Dean’s Club?

Bonn Nee, Newest Dean's Club Member

797 people: That was it. Over 7 billion people are currently living on this planet, and just 797 belong to the most exclusive club in the world-The Dean’s Club. I wanted to be next. Previously, I longed for a simple life. One where I strived for a 4.0 GPA in my double major, secured a six-figure salary and became successful in every facet of my life. That no longer mattered; I had to join the club.

For those of you who can’t comprehend the complexity of joining this club, I’ll keep it simple. The Dean decides if you’re worthy of his follow or not. If yes, you gain exclusive access to the club. If not, your life becomes meaningless. How to become worthy is the real question and one that lacks a clear answer. But, I was going to figure it out. 

After spending hours scouring the Dean’s club on Instagram, I was more stumped than a typical Northern student. It was impossible to pick up on any trends. There were cool people, weird people, crazy people, and boring people. And then it hit me. They all had the same three letters in their bio. M-T-U. 

At that moment my hands were trembling. Still, I rapidly maneuvered my way to my Instagram bio and typed the three necessary keys. It was time. I searched for the Dean and pressed the dreaded blue button. The button changed to white. My fate was in the Dean’s hands.

I didn’t sleep, I didn’t shit, I didn’t eat. All I did was refresh, stare, and repeat. Time froze but went on forever. There was only one decision that mattered. I became numb waiting and waiting and waiting… and then! A notification and a dm….It was Dean. It was Dean? IT WAS THE DEAN!

My life is now fulfilled! There will be no greater accomplishment. I am officially member #798 of the Dean’s Club.